Monday, January 5, 2009

I'll Cry if I Want To


Tomorrow is my birthday. I have birthday cards in my mail box, facebook messages galore, kind and generous emails. And I ignore them all.


Yes, as of tomorrow I am half way to seventy. And yes, as of tomorrow, I am closer to forty than thirty, but its for none of those reasons I will cry.


Tomorrow a precious little girl, no longer the baby I remember or held, turns three. A child who once called me Mama. A child to whom I am now a stranger.


Is it a cruel twist of fate or an act of God that I share a birthday with a child I loved with all my heart, shared my home and family with and then lost so absolutely when I had never even fathomed the completeness of her absence as a remote possibility? I don't know. I have a hard time wrapping my head around a God that would additionally torture me like this.

Three years ago on my birthday I received a phone call that a young, young mom I knew had a brand new baby girl. I remember I offerred a donation of baby goods to the young mom's mother. 6 weeks later that little baby would spend her first night in our home.




Then two years ago, on a cold January day, I celebrated my birthday by completely NOT celebrating MY birthday. A precious child I adored was turning one. I threw her two birthday parties that day because her grandmother and her mother couldn't be in the same room at the same time, and I wanted them both to share her special day with her. And her to share her day with them. And me to share my day with her.

All of us together, those that loved her most in the world celebrating the miracle that was this beautiful child that had brought us together, and would, ultimately, tear us apart. She and I the losers in a battle of possession.


Less than two weeks later I dressed her in a pink snow suit, over top of yellow ducky pajamas, I kissed her good-bye and she was gone from my life. Our lives. Forever. Unalterably. Gone. I didn't believe it then, or even realize it. But a week later I sent her clothes and her toys to her. I sobbed as her crib was taken down. It was a nightmare beyond my biggest imagination.

I was told she cried for me for weeks. Mama. Mama. Mama. And I cry still. Baby. Baby. Baby.


I've asked for answers from God, from friends, from family. Noone can tell me when it won't hurt quite so bad. Noone can tell me when I can face the idea of "celebrating" a day that will forever be tied to that one, joint birthday spent together. I remember how it felt when my heart wasn't broken in this way, I just can't fathom being that woman again. That mother again.


And so I forget my birthday and I choose to wish the baby girl I loved with my entire heart and soul, wherever she may be, whoever she may be with, a very happy birthday.


Happy Birthday Jazzy. She who was your "Mama" loves you very, very much.

24 comments:

rsbg said...

your blog just breaks my heart! i can relate to how you feel. i hope you do get to enjoy your birthday... cry if you need to, mourn because you can... and then celebrate a day that is YOUR BIRTHDAY!

ourboysourlives said...

I am sorry that this day has so much pain for you when it should be all joy. Remember the boys ant to have a mom that celebrates her birthday and share in your day. for tonight let it be about Jazzy..

my heart aches for you friend

heather said...

(((Jen)))

Happy birthday, Jazzy. And happy birthday to you, too.

My name is Andy. said...

(((((((((((hugs)))))))) my friend, just hugs.

Holly said...

It is a tragedy that in adoption/foster care someone always ends up hurting.

Paragraphein said...

Happy birthday Jen and Jazzy.

((Hugs)) to you Jen.

Di said...

You have been in my heart and prayers today dear cousin,even before reading, so much going on, in your world. Love you!
Those who cry much, love much. At a memorial on Sat the pastor said the number of tears we shed go hand in hand with the amount of love you gave. Shedding a few here for you, for Jazzy, for all that was lost.....

Regina said...

Jen,

No words come out that don't sound like a Hallmark card or something. So I'll just send electronic hugs. It's all I can figure to do.

Always your friend,

Regina

Momof3 said...

Hugs Jen!

Betty Rubble said...

I'm so very sorry.

I hope one day you two are able to be joined again, even if its just to celebrate your shared birthdays.

Tudu said...

I think of your situation with Jazzy often but much more now that I have my own baby girl to worry about. I love her with my entire heart and the thought of her leaving makes me cry like a baby. I can only imagine your pain. I know it is a loss that you will grieve your entire life.

G I N A L O U said...

I'm so sorry for you...

Jensboys said...

Thank you all for your love and support. There is no real word to describe what our relationship was like, no real word to describe the situation but I appreciate the support, the prayers and the good wishes. Mostly, of course, the understanding that this is a hard time and its ok for me to be sad a bit while I think of what I have missed.

Jen

dinnae said...

Happy birthday Jen... and here's hoping that one day your pain will heal. (((((HUGS)))))

Queenie. . . said...

I hope you take comfort in the fact that you were there for that child in a way that no one else was, at a time in her life when she really needed it. You did something really special for her. I'm sorry that the upshot of that is that it has to be so hard for you now. Hang in there.

Will and Aileen said...

I found your blog from adoption.com. I just had to tell you that your post brought tears to my eyes. I didn't lose my child to a system that isn't fair, but I did lose the daughter I was adopting, just 3 days after I handed her back to her foster family in Guatemala. She went to sleep one night and never woke up. I don't know if or when the pain gets better, but I'm sharing yours. I hope you were able to find at least some joy in your other children on your difficult day.

FattyPants said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Happy birthday to you and Jazzy.

Amblin said...

(((hugs))) Happy Birthday and a gentle hug on what is a painful time.

ManyBlessings said...

I'm so sorry for your loss and that it's tied to your own special day. Some things in life are just beyond understanding.
((HUGS))
dawn

birthmothertalks said...

I am sorry about your loss.

sara said...

i'm so sorry about your loss...i hope your birthday is as good as possible...

justenjoyhim said...

I can't imagine. And I'm sorry.

Anonymous said...

Much love to you in the aftermath of another birthday shared with Jazzy. I am glad she had you in the time that she did and I too wish she was in your and your family's life. ((((((((HUGS)))))))

Sharla said...

a friend of mine suggested that I check out your blog as this story is similar to one of my own and I cannot believe the parallels. I know the pain you have felt and may still be feeling. When we did our first foster-to-adopt, we got a baby girl at three days old, born four days before my birthday. We called her my birthday present. We had her for nineteen months until she went on a visit with her birth parents and while on the visit, a judge granted them custody in a verdict that shocked everyone. We never saw her again. I ache for her. (the judge's decision was a bad one - she is in another province in her eleventh foster home and we have since adopted her birth brother who came to us seven weeks after she left)

My birthdays have never been the same. Her birthday is my worst day every year. It does get a little bit easier with time but I still miss her and will have some questions for God when I finally get to ask Him.